Today my newsletter gets a very personal drive.
My oldest one graduated yesterday. My girl did the Everest this last three years. She had much less air than most part of her class. She had moments of deep lonelinesses. She had moments of pure join. But was an Everest.
Today, and because I want to give her appreciation and my full support for the years to come. I publish in my newsletter the text that she wrote and was published by @HetParool.
My daughter didn't had time off from school. My daughter didn't had special support. She did much more than ever requested to a working adult.
She did it.
Why me?
By: Adriana Koijen
Girls with their fathers, girlfriends asking if your parents can let you meet, and if they can have your father's number. That feeling you get with that never really goes away, no matter how hard you try. The pressure on your stomach, the stinging feeling in your eyes, hands that won't stop shaking. I ask myself almost every day: why my family? Why my father? Why me?
Almost two years ago my families and my life changed for the worst. Cancer, the doctor said. everyone's nightmare. When I look back at that time, I regret it. Regret that I didn't take it seriously and regret that I didn't spend the last days of my father's life with him. I thought, if I just ignore it, then it's not real. Then everything will be alright. But that was not the case. Things went better in Portugal during the summer holidays, but then corona also spread. After two days in a coma in the hospital, we got a call in the afternoon that he wouldn't make it. I will never forget that phone call, the silence and the tears.
But how do I get over the guilt I feel every day? The blame that I blamed corona on my father and that's why he's dead, even though part of my brain knows it's crazy to think like that. The other part thinks I did it and I should pay for it. And that's right, I pay for it every day. Sometimes I wake up and it feels like old times, then I want to get up and tell my dad something, until I'm fully awake and everything comes back.
Nobody talks about the fact that I can hardly go on holiday now, because my mother has to sit alone with the children. No one talks about whether I can do anything with my family on weekends. Nobody talks about how sometimes I feel very alone because your mother has to give all her attention to your brother and sister.
It feels like my childhood has been ruined. I need to grow up, I just hope it gets better with time."
Adriana Ramos Koijen
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